happybot's Blog

Sometimes you hear a song and you say Hey! I like it! and you play it over and over.. Well for me that song is now  'Love Generation'... I have it repeating over and over when Im in the house. It perks me up. Ive had it running now for weeks. It hasnt grown old yet.  Perhaps I use it as a crutch, eh, at least Ive music playing and not lonely empty thoughts I say.

 

Ive noticed that For years I used to have a smiling smirk on my face and people thought I was perpetually happy. I took a good look at my normal expression and its turned down. Sad.  Like that picture of the old man with a pitchfork and the woman beside him. Both worn down from running a farm all their lives, worn from living yet presenting a cleaned pressed image..  I realise my spirit is / has suffered / has deteriorated.  A quote from Abraham Lincoln comes to mind, or a paraphrase.  A man is responsible for his face after 30.  Meaning if he is bitter and angry , his face will look that way. Sad and weary , etc..   

I used to laugh out loud, not lol, but like a bark almost. That laugh vanished after the first year of marriage. It popped up once in awhile but is gone now. I remember it would startle people and that would be funnier. I wonder what has happened to my spirit , my bubbling happiness,.....  worry and fear of bills is what I blame it on. And giving up my dreams to provide a home and comfort for my wife. Its not her fault. I gave up on myself and choose my path.  Its a hard road rediscovering myself now. Im in the process of searching out my passions. Instead of being dead.

Some time has passed, a week or so. We talk. Keep it brief. She is unsure , perhaps on the fence in our relationship. She feels guilty ( dam right!) feels she has damaged our relationship, her relationship with God.  She doesnt know or is not dealing with her feelings right now. Im interested in repairing our marriage. I keep emailing her. Talking to her on the phone. I try to be encouraging. Myself I am exercising now, losing some weight. Eating healthier. Keeping myself busy, and planning on going to a massage school. I am working on myself now. For years I had just existed. Work, eat, sleep. Day in and day out. What fun was I? I admit, not much. So I am working on getting that inspiration back. Rebuilding my spirit. Learning to laugh again. I share all my activities with my wife.  I don't sense the same from her. She is encouraging. Is happy with all the things happening in my life. Its more like she is a friend happy for me rather than a wife. Perhaps I am reading too much into it. I think she requires 'together time' to express herself, I tend to do better with emails.  The only problem is that I may be impossible for me to visit her. Bah, I could, it would just set me back on some late bills. Then again, I cannot afford to miss this oppurtunity to save our marriage, if its possible. Thats where I am now. Crossroads. Wheeee! I know the direction I should take, but perhaps thats the problem. Ive taken that route before and it leads nowhere. I should take the road less traveled. ( i like the poem too! )

Have spoken to wifey, kept it civil. Nothing dramatic.

Have been texting her. I never text as I thought it was stupid but I am enjoying it. I feel like we are starting over. Two people interested in each other. Pre date stuff. Seeing what each other likes. Its really fun in this context. I am beside myself in wonder. I eagerly await each message. Giddy would be the word. How odd indeed I am.  Life does not unfold as I think it, it unfolds as it wants to, take it or leave it.

Ok, its another day. Still here. Still in pain. A lot has come out of me, poison that is. Likely much more buried inside. One day, baby steps etc etc yada yada yada. Knowing it doesnt make it any easier. As long as I keep in motion.

We grow physically, plants grow, constantly, our cells constantly grow. Ever renewing itself, ourselves. Responding and changing to the environment.





I see that as oppurtunity to , a chance to , go on. A tree caught in a forest fire that survives doesnt despair for its fellow trees. Or if it does who knows? It keeps growing, repairing the damage. Growing around the scars. It may never be the same but It still llives, it still needs sun and water and nutrients.



If i seem happier now, well, I got a call back from a job for an interview. I am excited. Landing the job will ,despite make me more tired through the week, solve so many other problems.  Ok, I see it as a light in the tunnel.



I spoke with my wife on the phone a few times today. We discussed the kids, how each was doing. Nothing tramatic as she said she is still trying to maintain a happy home withthe kids, not let them know whats going on.



I am sure God is shielding me from from ... well the pain.   And like Forrest Gump said "Thats all I have to say about that"

well i didnt have to go to work today it was friday, not saturday when I work. Somehow I lost a day or gained one  . i dont know.. ha ha  i felt a little foolish. in a good way.



left 2 messages on her phone. 2 or 3 long emails pouring out my heart, my feelings, my fears, ... telling her how wonderful I thought she was and how she hadnt ruined my life as I choose to be bitter and angry. I chose to be apathetic...



I want to be ok, i wonder why I am apologising and being forgiving and she cannot even speak to me.



Im angry. I have a right to be. I hate anger. Ive hated being angry since I was little. I saw what happened when people are angry at each other. It tears them up inside. Well all these years of suppressing my anger has eaten me up. Now I lash out yelling at the kids.... the very thing I swore not to become.. I have. How ironic.



Lesson for today kids~ Conquer your fears or they will conquer you.

Mine have, and I thought I had beaten them. Learn about what you fear, that will help greatly, I learned too late.

wonder of wonders, i cant sleep. 4:46 and i have go to work today. With about 4hrs sleep past 48 hours.

I spoke with my wife a little while ago.  She confided her feelings of being cold and frigid for years. Hoping that I would put forth the extra effort to warm her up , to be like I was in the first few years we were married. More open and giving of my feelings. She spoke of how I steadily grew mean and angry, over the years.. I realised that I was angry because of our bills and of my own inadaquacy feeling that I was failing my family because I could not solve our problems. I realize now that I took it out on my family yelling at the smallest thing. They were scared of me yelling. I didnt hurt or do anything physical,... my daughter told me once that it hurt her when I yelled.  I would yell at messes, dirty laundry on the floor, spills,.. etc.  for a 9 year old and a 11 year old they were terrified of me yelling.  Its terrible that i became a monster to them, though they love me..  I was frightening them. 

All this time my worries and fears and anxieties my own faults and insecurities , I thought I kept them to myself, I was wrong. My family suffered, and I ignored my influence on them. 

It may seem wrong what she did. it is wrong. I see why now i think. It took years of my lack of effort in the marriage, but it finally cracked.



 All the little things I could have done. saying thank you. or calling her to tell her I love you, sending flowers once in awhile, buying something for her.. anything just to show her I love her, was thinking of her,....



I once bought some chocolate at the grocery store. Some hersheys mix for 2 or 3 dollars. It had colorful wrappers :). I put them in a small box we had by the bed. I stacked them neatly in the box by color and in rows. Later when I showed them to her, she was very impressed. Not because of the candy but because I took the time to stack and organize them. She smiled at me and gave me a big kiss and said thank you.  I didnt understand at the time why she acted like that. I do now.. I took time out of my day to do something not neccessary for her. I didnt just throw the bag of goodies at her. 





Right now I dont know what will happen with us.



Except that I must change, do some inner reflection. Ask myself is this the person I want to be? no its not. I am better that who I am right now. I have the choice.

well that was emotionally exhausting. I had not been job hunting in over 10 years..  I only went to 3 places   and I didnt want to do that but I felt I need to do something other than sit and wallow in self pity.

I read a comment and it helped me a bit. Yes, I do need to refocus on myself and my children and what makes them happy. And hopefully my wife as well.... .... to be continued..

and more job hunting tommorow

Going out in a little while to hunt up a part time job. this means less time visiting wife and kids... sucks to be me but bills gotta be paid....

Part of the problem with me is I really hate to be late paying bills. I feel stressed out and am angry with myself .  Thats part of the problem with me, and I guess I took it out on the kids and wife, yelling at them... 

going to try to concentrate on fixing myself, ... my marriage if its fixable...