short n sweet | happybot's Blog

Sometimes you hear a song and you say Hey! I like it! and you play it over and over.. Well for me that song is now  'Love Generation'... I have it repeating over and over when Im in the house. It perks me up. Ive had it running now for weeks. It hasnt grown old yet.  Perhaps I use it as a crutch, eh, at least Ive music playing and not lonely empty thoughts I say.

Ive noticed that For years I used to have a smiling smirk on my face and people thought I was perpetually happy. I took a good look at my normal expression and its turned down. Sad.  Like that picture of the old man with a pitchfork and the woman beside him. Both worn down from running a farm all their lives, worn from living yet presenting a cleaned pressed image..  I realise my spirit is / has suffered / has deteriorated.  A quote from Abraham Lincoln comes to mind, or a paraphrase.  A man is responsible for his face after 30.  Meaning if he is bitter and angry , his face will look that way. Sad and weary , etc..   

I used to laugh out loud, not lol, but like a bark almost. That laugh vanished after the first year of marriage. It popped up once in awhile but is gone now. I remember it would startle people and that would be funnier. I wonder what has happened to my spirit , my bubbling happiness,.....  worry and fear of bills is what I blame it on. And giving up my dreams to provide a home and comfort for my wife. Its not her fault. I gave up on myself and choose my path.  Its a hard road rediscovering myself now. Im in the process of searching out my passions. Instead of being dead.