inner reflection | happybot's Blog

I spoke with my wife a little while ago.  She confided her feelings of being cold and frigid for years. Hoping that I would put forth the extra effort to warm her up , to be like I was in the first few years we were married. More open and giving of my feelings. She spoke of how I steadily grew mean and angry, over the years.. I realised that I was angry because of our bills and of my own inadaquacy feeling that I was failing my family because I could not solve our problems. I realize now that I took it out on my family yelling at the smallest thing. They were scared of me yelling. I didnt hurt or do anything physical,... my daughter told me once that it hurt her when I yelled.  I would yell at messes, dirty laundry on the floor, spills,.. etc.  for a 9 year old and a 11 year old they were terrified of me yelling.  Its terrible that i became a monster to them, though they love me..  I was frightening them. 

All this time my worries and fears and anxieties my own faults and insecurities , I thought I kept them to myself, I was wrong. My family suffered, and I ignored my influence on them. 

It may seem wrong what she did. it is wrong. I see why now i think. It took years of my lack of effort in the marriage, but it finally cracked.



 All the little things I could have done. saying thank you. or calling her to tell her I love you, sending flowers once in awhile, buying something for her.. anything just to show her I love her, was thinking of her,....



I once bought some chocolate at the grocery store. Some hersheys mix for 2 or 3 dollars. It had colorful wrappers :). I put them in a small box we had by the bed. I stacked them neatly in the box by color and in rows. Later when I showed them to her, she was very impressed. Not because of the candy but because I took the time to stack and organize them. She smiled at me and gave me a big kiss and said thank you.  I didnt understand at the time why she acted like that. I do now.. I took time out of my day to do something not neccessary for her. I didnt just throw the bag of goodies at her. 





Right now I dont know what will happen with us.



Except that I must change, do some inner reflection. Ask myself is this the person I want to be? no its not. I am better that who I am right now. I have the choice.